suicides and sewer-sides
This post is rated PG-13. I’ll leave it up to the moderators to decide to leave it up or censor it. This is from an email I just sent someone earlier this morning. Some of it edited. Don’t worry this isn’t from someone you know or from any of “official or un-offical” Be the cause gang members. It doesn’t matter who it’s from. I think they have calmed down and I want them to come to this site and read this and hopefully find some thing better than wallowing in their own demise.
I can’t come up with any better advice than Todd Anthony Shaw (the dirty rapper, Too $hort, that talks about pimping women and making money but I think he’s dealt with depression and being suicidal so I found these pretty cool in this song where he brags about how good his life on this first album that went platinum).
Life is to some people unbearable.
Committin suicide and thats terrible.
Was it much too much or nothing big?
If you live my life, you’d be fighting to live.
Life is to me my main asset.
I be doing all right, and keep it just like that.
Chill out at the house and bump that bass.
I’m trying to get rich as I rock the place.
Everybody’s got that same old dream:
To have big money and fancy things.
Drive a brand new Benz, or keep your bank right here.
You’ll never hear me stutter once because I talk real clear.
Its on you, homeboy, watcha gonna do?
You can take my advice and start workin, fool!
Or you can close your ears and run your mouth,
And one day, homeboy, you’ll soon find out
Life is too short…
Life is too short.
Life is too short, would you agree?
When I’m living my life, don’t mess with me
Its been a long time, baby, since I first got down,
But I still keep making these funky sounds.
‘Cause I don’t stop rapping, thats my theme.
I make a lot of money, do you know what I mean?
Life is complicated; You must stay up!
When you’re asked a simple question, boy, don’t say “what?”
You’ll only live once and then crawlin’ in hell.. (or was it “you only live once, so don’t be calling it
Police men trying to take me to jail…
You can take back all the things you give
But ya cant take back the days you live.
Life is to some people heaven on earth:
Living every single day for what its worth.
I live my life just how I please;
Satisfy only one person I know–that’s me.
I worked hard for the things I achieved in life.
And never rapped fake when I’m on the mic’.
‘Cause if a dream is all you got, homeboy,
Ya gotta turn that dream into The Real Mccoy.
No time to waste, just get on that case.
You cant be down, ’cause you need to taste
The good life — living like a king on a throne
Getting everything you want, trying to handle your own
Dont be stupid though,
Cause when you waste it,
Life is Too Short.
[‘Cause ’til ya waste it, you’ll never know how short life is]
When the next person that tells me they are going to kill themselves, I’m going to feel so much fucking repugnance that I may go sleep in a sewer until people feel sorry for me. If that is the goal, go for it! Try a sewer-side! Crazy people need to stop toying with getting attention to their fucked up lives by talking bull-shit.
This is bullshit. 2 months before I go to Sri Lanka people are talking about killing themselves. A few weeks later I get an email from someone else new saying they are tired of life. I can’t do anything but call them and beg them to come talk leaving voice mails is tiring. I felt like I didn’t know what to do next when I finally got a call through to pick up.
I’m so tired of this delusion people have. I’m sure there is no such things as forever, never, heaven, hell, gods or souls. People need to get that shit dumped out of their minds. Death isn’t some profound concept. It’s just the end of life. It’s probably one of the most simple and basic aspects of life that no one should mis-understand. There is no point in telling people you want to kill yourself. If you want to leave the bullshit out and be understood just tell people the best way you know how that you feel sad. You need to be fearless and figure out with someone what you want. You can’t hide behind.
I have a lot of self-pride. I have a lot of false pride. But I’ll be damned if I ever try to decide my own death.
I don’t know what it was about 2007. But I’ve had at least 15 conversations with 7 people about death. I hope people understand how much it drains the other person. And if was the worst thing for me to wake up this morning in 2008 to a new version of the same damn thang. I don’t mind the draining conversation, but I think I need to let out some frustration with this mindless repetition. I think I’m as built for this as anyone else. But “goddamit..”
I feel a little naked writing this: When I was 22-25. I was obcessed with death. I’ll never admit to myself that I wanted other people’s pity. But I did imagine how it would be if I did die and how certain people might react. I always came back to how sad my sister, mom and dad would be. That always snapped me in the face. I remember finally having conversations with my mom. She felt so offended that I would even think such a thing. Afterall this is the woman that pushed me out painfully after 9months and then worked her ass off so I can eat good everyday not have to live on Ding Dongs and Top Ramen, taught me to read and add and multiply. I still regret the late nineties. I don’t even like thinking about those years and those years are very blurry and confusing.
So, I think I can come at people with some level of understanding.
I think people just need to be fearless. They need to be able to decide to drop out of school, end the hurtful relationships (get a divource if you have to), tell your mom or dad to go climb a tree, quit the job you hate. I know it’s hard to do, but if you kill yourself–all of those things happen all at once and you can’t know anything more after words
I know grown adults know all of this. But why do we stay so scared until we hit rock bottom? I already know the answer to that question.
Hopefully this guy will come meet me at the DWC in downtown and he can meet some of you and get the natural anti-depressant that I know.
Anyways… I know this is part of living in LA with wars and taxes and violence and disease, “work stress”, mean people, fake people, sad people, wierd people… . Running into people dealing with suffering is part of service. I think alot of us do this stuff so that we can learn to deal with our own bullshit. So, like anything else, it’s something that needs to be worked out.
Anyways like those be the cause quotes say
I’m wild just like a rock, a stone, a tree
And I’m free, just like the wind the breeze that blows
And I flow, just like a brook, a stream, the rain
And I fly, just like a bird up in the sky
And I’ll surely die, just like a flower plucked
And dragged away and thrown away
And then one day it turns to clay
And blows away, it finds a ray, it finds its way
And there it lays until the rain and sun
Then I breathe, just like the wind the breeze that blows
And I grow, just like a baby breastfeeding
And it’s beautiful, that’s life and that’s life
And that’s life and that’s life
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.