The air up there
(ammended on January 11, 2002)
Iâ€™m at the top of Upper Yosemite Falls. Jump. Staring down at the earth 4,000 feet below. Jump. Iâ€™ve never seen anything more beautiful. Jump. “Do you ever think about Jumping?,” says the other voice in my head. All the time. Jump.
Head first into a pool of chilling air with the wind whipping against your face. The air, so free, so forceful, that you canâ€™t breathe it in. Nothing but air, but you canâ€™t get any inâ€¦ and you know, in 15 seconds, it will be all over.
The sleepless nights, the loneliness, the depression that slowly inks its way into your soul, the masturbation, the television, the wasted hours at work, the war, the animals, the unread books, the smell of your furniture, the history lessons, the mountains, the ocean, your allergies, your education, your parents, the human race, the planet earth, life, God, evil, truth, your memories. All gone, in 15 seconds. Everything ceases to exist.
Sometimes I canâ€™t take it. When I drive, thinking about running my car into something solidâ€¦ not to end my own existence but to end yours. My life is fine, the education, the career, the toys, the women, the experiences, the morals, the kindness. I just donâ€™t know about you.. and the rest of the world, what a wasteful condition it is in. So much so, that I choose to end its existence. The misery, the poverty, the rape, the nuclear weapons, the prison system, the animal testing, the schizophrenia, the homeless, the depression that causes suicide. Iâ€™m sick of itâ€¦ and every time I am at this height I feel like I am one step closer to changing it all, to ending it all. Not to end my own life but to end yours.
4,000 feet later I continue to live to change this world that you have created, in the meantime I will continue to be miserable in this world, that you have created.
The Air Out East – January 11, 2002
As I sit here in a three wheeler scooter taxi in New Delhi, India, I finally realize that things can change.
Most people talk about how sad everything is, how unfortunate it is that there is world hunger and poverty. But I know, that they say this to achieve the affections of their audiences, to be labeled as a crusader for change. And, as they return to their nice cars and nice houses, I hope they find peace in everything they do.
Me, I’m choosing to say little of everything that surrounds me and the depression it brings. I’m choosing to change what truly saddens me.
A man is not measured by his convictions but rather by his deeds.
Things can change. In my mind it finally makes simple sense. If the world was truly messed up beyond repair, God would have ceased its existence. He would have sent us back to the dinosaurs to recreate his creation with his next vision. But we live, in this definition of hypocrisy, misery, and corruption. So we must have a chance. It will be the most difficult task that has existed since time. But now I realize that it can be done. Reason to live.